In your arms
by Skryll
Summary: Irvine Kinneas, Balamb's notorious flirt and cowboy. Another horrible morning... until the rain starts to fall and things come to light. What is Squall hiding and why is he cutting his wrists? What's going on!


In your arms…

By Miraea a.k.a Kathryn

**April 2006**

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the FF8 characters. If I did, I would have them fucking every three minutes, so like that's ever going to happen. I hold no claim over them so you can't sue me!

Author's note: I don't believe it, I wrote this… Thank god none of my friends will ever find this. I will say this now **I have never played FF8**. I can't find the game. So what I write is what I've read about the characters. Also, **this is my first fanfiction containing a yaoi lemon scene** that I've published. Please don't flame me for either of the above. Just so you know, this is written in Irvine's P.O.V. Also note, if you find any grammatical errors, this is due to my excessively long nails and me typing this on my laptop.

Warning: This fic contains YAOI! This fic holds male/male situations. You have been warned. Now you cannot claim that I did not warn you, as this warning is in bold.

The cool breeze that just seems to enjoy pissing the hell out of me sails through my window and joins me under my sheet in its same routine, same as any other day and in doing so causing me to curse and slide… okay correct that, stumble and almost fall out of bed in my haste to escape its cold clutches. It wouldn't be such a problem normally but after my hazy night of beer and flirting, I seem to have stripped entirely and gone to sleep naked, therefore in turn allowing that bloody wind to have another free shot at freezing my balls off. The only thing colder than it would have to be Commander 'Ice Queen' Leonhart. The god in leather who still remains oblivious to his inhumanly painful sex appeal.

Hyne, what I'd do to have him writhing and moaning my name under me…or having him fucking me with me moaning his name under him… Now I won't deny that I haven't had my fair share of women but surprise, surprise! Balamb's own cowboy is still a virgin where men are concerned. Not that it stopped me from becoming informed. Good thing 'commander' doesn't authorize dorm room search and inspections cause I'd like to see and yet wouldn't like to see what would happen if they found my gay porn collection under my bed. And anyway, I only date women to hide my sexuality from the evil homophobes of Balamb.

I think I was around 14 or so when I first had my suspicions that I was gay. Or rather, 'little me' did. I felt really sick with myself whenever I realized that both my dick and myself were turned on rather badly at the sight of the nearest guy. I felt like a woman and I was so embarrassed. But over time I've learnt to control 'mini me' and I can keep my libido in check. My shameful secret is that I'm in love with Squall Leonhart, Shiva's lover (Shiva's Bitch to Seifer. That guy may be one nasty fucker of a guy but damn can he ever write a ballad to torment the living shit out of Squall. He's one brave bastard, I'll give him that, what with his oh so subtle line of 'His eyes are colder than Shiva's tits.') I never told anyone what I was as half of the bastards who attend here are goddamn homophobes so if Zell knew and he leaked the information, I'd rather not think of how I'd be treated.

Stealing a glance at my alarm clock (A not so sweet gift from Selphie to forever remind me that I don't have the right to sleep in. It was only one time and I was only fashionably late by three hours. Not my fault they chose to wait for me in the bloody winter snow, the stupid bitches.) Perfect! It's only 6:35 am. Still time to sneak in watching some porn and jacking off while thinking of Squall before breakfast at 7, or as Leonhart would say it, 0700 hours. This leaves me 25 minutes to my imagination, my dick and me. Another beautiful morning to myself!

Quietly locking my door for precautions because I'd rather avoid having to go through the last incident where Zell walked in just as I was about to climax and just sat on my bed with no thought to my sexual frustration and just started telling me that if I was so desperate to get off because Selphie didn't satisfy my urges that he was there for me. Took me firing a warning shot from my gun to make him get the fuck out of my room and piss off. Didn't really enjoy myself after that…

I just relax when one cold bitch of a wind sails right through my window and sends goose bumps over my body and hardens my nipples painfully. Not to mention that Zell starts banging on my door and yelling at me to get the hell out cause Selphie was molesting him. I smirk as I hear Selphie squeal and what must be the sound of Zell having his head smashed on my door. Now might be a good time to get dressed. Will have to leave my bodily needs till later.

Reaching into my cupboard, I pull out my usual attire. I notice that I'm missing my chaps again. I swear someone is nicking them cause I honestly do remember buying ten pairs of them earlier in the year and now I seem to be down to just three. I almost consider tagging my pants to find out who's been nicking them one of these days but I don't think I'll ever get around to it. I reach up to the back and feel around with my hand until I feel leather and pull it out. A little dusty but still good for wearing. Once dressed, I grab my hat from my bedside table where it lies and head out into the chaos that is my dorm room, which like every bloody morning consists of Seifer flinging stuff at Zell and Zell hurling his plate of buttered toast and eggs at Seifer and missing so it hits Selphie who bursts into tears and runs to me and cries until I fire a shot at them both and tell them to behave while I grab a muffin and leave the chaos behind while remembering to kick Selphie off my leg at the door.

This morning I manage to make it out the door faster than usual. It seems Selphie joined the fight so I don't have to waste a bullet and my time breaking it up and dealing with her. Great!

I still have twenty minutes until class starts and I really don't feel like training so I take a leisurely stroll through the garden. I just pass by a bush when I hear the voices of several girls laughing and giggling about something. Feeling evil, I eavesdrop on them.

"OH MY GOD! I can't believe I'm finally holding our god Irvine Kinneas' trademark pants! We all finally have a pair! Like, how sacred is this!"

Oh my god indeed, girls are stealing my pants. But what I hear next really gets at me.

"Okay, the meeting of the Irvine Kinneas fan club is officially closed!"

OH MY FUCKING GOD! I have a fan club and they're stealing my pants. My pants are being stolen by squealing fan girls. What the fuck is with that! I really need to start doing my own laundry and watch it so that they don't steal it.

I quickly run as fast towards the cafeteria to see if I can grab something more to eat. I find Zell in there packing hot dogs away so fast that one might think that he had a black hole for a stomach and is just sucking in everything that passes his lips. Quistis had joined him and was just ignoring his eating habits. Adopting a leisurely stroll by them, I swipe one of Zell's hotdogs and bite into it while I join them. Quistis greets me nicely while Zell just glares at me for the hotdog. I offer the bitten into hotdog to him but he just gags and pushes it back. Silence sits between us before Quistis slams her fists on the table and stares at me.

"Alright Irvine, what's up? You look amused and disturbed like you're up to something. Spill or I'll turn my whip onto you!"

I grin evilly before swallowing the last of the hotdog away and then replying.

"Oh nothing really. I just found out that I have a fan club and that they're the culprits responsible for the kidnapping and holding at ransom of my pants which have been disappearing."

Quistis just laughs behind her hand and Zell cracks up into tears of laughter and falls off the chair. I smirk and then sit back, only to come face to face with the commander.

"Care to explain what is so funny Kinneas?"

Yippie yi yay! Note the sarcasm cause here comes tight ass ice bitch the guy who I love but he doesn't know it Leonhart.

"Commander sir! Just giving my formal report to Quistis and Dinct on the illegal kidnapping and detaining of my pants by my fan club sir! I was only informed of the unprecedented incident this morning by a reliable source. I am currently deciding on whether to precede with military action to rescue the hostages or whether to negotiate peace with the enemy sir!"

Zell laughs harder and Quistis goes a deeper shade of red as her whole body shakes with laughter. Squall smirks and then walks away wishing my luck. I just stare after him and then turn my attention back to the task at hand when the bell tolls for class. I groan and after saying a rather lazy goodbye to Zell and Quistis, I head off to class. I took a job as an instructor after the Sorceress' war to keep my skills honed and to have an excuse to enjoy yelling at the midgets. And don't tell me that they're not midgets cause they fucking well are. At least half of them don't even reach my shoulders.

I spend half of the lessons shouting at one dimwit of a boy for pointing a loaded rifle at his companion and pretending to fire and then holding the bloody thing wrong. If there's one thing that really annoys me, it's kids not holding their weapons right. Sharpshooter instincts I guess put me on edge with it but still…

"For the love of Hyne Stokes! Point that goddamn gun at anything but the target again and so help you I'll come over there and point my gun at you and fire and I swear to any god that I won't miss!"

Lunch was a welcome relief. Selphie though just had to relate her class tale for the day to us all.

"There's this girl in my class who just has a serious problem with using a pen. She acts like it's a criminal offence if she uses one so when I told her that we had to do a test on what happened in the Sorceress's War, she got all high and mighty. When I went to hand out the tests, she just stared at me and said all posh like "Miss, my father would have you fired for making me use a pen. It's so beneath me and it he would be horrified that you would've degraded me to using something so poor. You should be ashamed!" I just calmly walked over to her and put a piece of chalk on her desk and told her straight that I hope that she enjoys her test and that this little piece of chalk had her name all over it so she could write with it as it was not a pen. Needless to say she had no reply so she had to do her report in chalk. That'll teach her!"

I roll my eyes and then head off to teach my final class. Now I don't know if something hates me but it starts to rain and I mean hard. I can't wait until class has finished so I can go back to my room and rest in the warmth. What shatters my plan was with Zell running up to me and crying, "Squall's gone! He just off and ran away somewhere and he was all sad and crying. I went into his office when the rain started to ask him something and he was cutting his wrists pretty badly. He just panicked and fled. I can't find him anywhere! Irvine, please find him!"

"Why don't you announce that a little louder Zell! I'm sure the whole fucking garden didn't hear you idiot! Come with me, we need to talk privately."

Between you and me, I think that Zell either worships me or he's scared to hell of me cause he's gone paler than Selphie when she sees a Ruby Dragon. He swallows loudly and pads along behind me looking nervous. For the love of Hyne it's not like I'm gonna turn my gun on him so what the fuck's he gotta worry about! I'm not that evil, despite the rumors that I'm trigger-happy. Am not! I just get testy when people make comments about me behind my back that have no backing to the accusation. I lead Zell back to my room and once I thump him through the door, I shut and lock it behind me. Zell goes and sits on my bed and looks worried. Not that one could blame the little chicken wuss though. He just caught Squall slicing his wrists from what he said and then saw Squall bolt. I'd be worried and kinda scared shitless if I saw that.

"Now, what's this crap about Squall cutting his wrists about? This is news to me so fill me in chicky"

He scowls. "Don't call me chicky! I've had my suspicions that Squall was doing something to himself about a few weeks before he and Rinoa broke up. I've had no idea he was cutting till today honestly."

I rub my temples while I try to remember anything about this happening. I think I remember something like it during training when I was sparring with Squall against two T-Rexaurs and one managed to put a rip into his sleeve. I guess I thought I was imagining it cause I'm sure that I saw a streak of blood red in the flesh. That must have been where he was cutting!

"I think I do recall seeing a cut scar on his wrist several weeks ago during training. Zell, do you have any idea why this'd start?"

He looks at me like I'm stupid but I don't go and interfere in the Commander's personal life and I don't trust gossip either so why the fuck would I know.

"You don't know why they broke up do you?"

"If I did, then why the hell would I ask!"

"They broke up cause Rinoa decided that he wasn't emotional enough for her and because of Squall's job, they hardly saw each other so she left him for some guy she met at a bar. Hell knows where she is now. There was that and just between you and me, Squall realized he was gay. He just couldn't get hard when he and Rinoa were going at it. Either way, during one of their fighting matches where Rinoa was really letting him have it verbally and they ended up breaking up, Squall just shouted that he was gay. She gave him hell for it and if we hadn't had Quistis 'escort' her off campus, Squall would've torn her to shreds. Seifer had to restrain Squall all the while. Since they broke up though, he's been darker than usual and really withdrawn."

Squall… is GAY? News to me. As for Rinoa, she can go fuck herself for what she did to him. That bitch will pay when I get my hands on her.

"Look, just go back to your room. I'll go after him" I say and after seeing Zell out, I run off towards the stairs. Squall has to be only at one place. The roof. I pelt up the stairs as fast as I can, jumping the steps two at a time. I pray he wasn't going to jump. Slamming the door open to find Squall lying on the pavement in the rain covered in blood, I run to him and pull him close to me and try to wake him.

"Squall! Squall! Come on man! You gotta wake up! Just say something, anything! Don't leave me!" I cry. The last part kinda slipped out by mistake but I don't regret my words. Just seeing him lying like this where he could be dying was enough to make me realize just how deeply I love him.

"Let me die Kinneas. It's for the best…" he said softly. I mentally slap him. YOU BLOODY SELFISH BASTARD!

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean Squall? Why is it for the best when I will never… we will never get to see you again!"

"I don't deserve to live Irvine. I want something that I cannot have. I will never have him and I never can. Let me die please… so that I can rest in peace…"

I snap at that point and slap him and he holds a hand to his cheek in shock.

"You goddamn selfish bastard! How can you be so stupid and blind at the same time! Are you going to throw your life away because you love someone! Just use your eyes for once. None of us want to see you die Squall. Ever think of how we feel!"

He just sighs and looks away but I cup his face with my free right hand.

"And I'm telling you that I can't live without the person that I love. I can't live without you…" I cry feeling my tears fall down my cheeks. How can he be so stupid! How the fuck can he get off thinking that he isn't loved by anyone?

Slowly, I bend down and gently press my lips to Squall's. He stiffens against me before he relaxes and parts his lips softly. Taking the hint, I deepen the kiss until he moans under me then pulls reluctantly away.

"Why…" The word forms on his softly swollen lips like a curse.

"Because I love you Squall. And I don't want to let you go… not now, not ever!"

His eyes fill with tears and he buries his face into the crook of my neck and wraps his arms around my chest.

"Please don't let me be alone anymore Irvine, please…" he pleads and the only thing that I can think of doing is taking him back to at least one of our rooms out of the rain and comforting him. I may never get this chance again.

"Your place or mine?" I whisper and he shudders.

"Mine, you know where. The code's 9-18-22-9-14-5." He softly whispers back and I get up while cradling him. He hugs me tighter and I walk us carefully down the stairs and run with him through the corridors, determined to make sure as little as possible people see him and me and so that I can get him warmed up in a hot bath as soon as possible as I felt his body shiver violently.

I reach his room in the instructor's block and hurriedly punch in the code. The door unlocks and I push it open with my hip and get us inside before I lock it behind me. Squall's lips are turning blue and I know that if he isn't warmed up soon, he will get really sick so I hurry to his bathroom (thank Hyne the layout of his apartment is the same as mine) and put him onto the floor while I quickly run him a hot bath (in a bath tub the size of a Jacuzzi) and add a little lavender oil I notice on the side. Squall is sitting up and trying to undo the clasps on his belts but his fingers are so frozen that I have pity on him and help him undress while being careful of his wrists where the blood had congealed and hardened to stop the blood flow.

He moans at the feel of the heated water against his icy skin and I try not to think of anything to encourage my libido while I walk to the door.

"Please stay with me Irvine. I just want to talk to someone for a while… I'm sorry for being so dependent and pathetic."

I can't deny him, not with him in this situation so I turn around and go and sit on the edge of the bath and face him.

"I'm sorry for what I put you through earlier and… thanks… for saving my life Irvine."

I grin and nod acceptingly. I'm not surprised by it at all. Something was up with him since he became headmaster, but to know that he's safe is all I want to know now. I shiver as I realize jut how cold I am. He laughs… for the first time he actually laughs (!) before he splashes me gently.

"You'd better join me before you get cold" he says with eyes filled no longer cold. I quickly strip for reasons of either the cold or my desire to be so close to him I will never know and I join him in the blissful heat. I blush as my thigh brushes against his and quickly busy myself with taking my hair ribbon out and putting it to one side of the bath. My balance is thrown when he wraps his arms around me and hugs me to his chest. While I love the closeness, as far as I know Squall doesn't have any interest in me and with the echoes of an erection appearing, he'd better let go soon.

"Did you mean what you said earlier in the rain… about you loving me? I need to know. Is it true?"

I search for my answer but it seems to get lost between my brain and my mouth. Every vein in my body is screaming 'YES!' but something seems to refuse me to say so.

"Irvine, is it true?" he asks again.

My mind screams at me just to say it. I may lose him if I don't answer.

"Yes…" I whisper and he breathes out. "Thank Hyne. I thought that you just said that to make sure I wouldn't die. I want you Irvine."

I close my eyes while my mind takes a moment to register what he just said. Squall wants me… no one else, just me… and forget whether he loves me or not, I'm gonna get fucked by Squall… YEE HAW!

When I open my eyes, I'm met with his now warm and soft blue ones and I blush furiously. He just looks thoughtful and then almost leaps back in shock.

"You're hiding something from me Irvine. What is it?"

How can I tell him I'm a virgin? He'll laugh, I know it.

"Have I said something wrong? Is it something I did? Irvine, what is it you are hiding from me?"

I just sigh and turn away from his face and curl up with my knees to my chest and try to hide my tears of shame. I don't know why I'm embarrassed but I just am. He rubs my back soothingly while he pulls me gently back.

"Irvine, you are either going to tell me now or I will drag it out of you. Now what is it?"

"It's nothing. Just thinking. Sorry…" my voice lies to him.

My breath hitches as he runs his hand down my spine and rubs softly over my entrance. I whimper and blush furiously and he pulls his hand away.

"So that's it… you're a virgin aren't you?"

Fuck! Right on the mark!

"Yeah…"

I wait for the laugh but it doesn't come.

"Irvine, I want to fuck you badly. But it's your call. We don't have to do this if you don't want to. I'll understand and whatever you decide will be okay…"

Me? Turn down the opportunity to have him fuck me? I couldn't ask for anything more and if I want anyone to be the one to break my ass in, I want it to be Squall. He opens his mouth to continue but I silence him with my hand over his mouth.

"Squall, I want you to fuck me. No one else, just you. Fuck me."

(I had to take this scene out for safety and rating reasons. Sorry! Will put the link up to the full, explicit version in my profile soon.)

We both slump against each other in the cooling water and Squall nuzzles my face affectionately and kisses me softly while we wait for the tremors of pleasure to pass. I groan as he slips out of me and curls up to me with his head in the junction of my neck and my shoulder. He nibbles on my earlobe before he pulls the bath plug out of the drain and we get up and towel off.

Heading to his bed, I make him sit down while I disinfect the cuts on his wrists and bandage them.

"Hyne Squall! Why did you do this? You should've told someone if you were in this kind of pain!"

"I didn't want to bother anyone, least of all you..."

"Squall, let's get one thing clear now. If you ever cut again, I will kill you. When you hurt yourself like this you hurt me. Please don't do this again…"

"Only if you promise never to leave me. Don't let me be alone…"

"I already said that I would Squall and I intend to keep that promise. My promises don't get broken by anything for those I love."

"Promise me?"

"Promise!"

We collapse under the covers and wrap our arms around each other's necks and entwine our legs together.

"Hey Squall, you said earlier that you wanted someone and that you loved them. Who is it?" I ask.

He smiles and kisses me softly on the lips. "I put his name as my door combination. Care to vouch a guess?"

My senses returning, I curse at his fucking word games.

"Just tell me already!" I growl and he laughs.

"Come on Irvine, its not that hard! Remember my door code is 9-18-22-9-14-5. Whose name fits that?"

"Ummm, Seifer?" I ask, praying for my answer to be wrong.

He shakes his head and gives me another clue. "A is 1, B is 2 etc"

Fuck this! I need a pen and paper. Wriggling out of his grasp, I head back to the bathroom and open the cupboard to find Squall's can of shaving cream. This works as good as good as a pen and paper sometimes. Giving it a shake, I start to spray out the numbers and their corresponding letters onto the mirror. I can hear Squall cracking up with laughter at this but I ignore him until I have the numbers 1 to 26 and the letters from A to Z. The combination was 9-18-22-9-14-5 so if I line up the numbers to their letters it should read:

9- I

18- R

22- V

9- I

14- N

5- E

It spells out Irvine. Fuck, that's me! Time to act like a child… evil grin. Taking a deep breath, I run straight for the bed and pounce onto him and squeeze him tightly while I kiss him.

"Love you Irvine, my idiot cowboy who had to use shaving cream to work out that it was him I loved."

My eyebrow twitches at this before I reply. "Love you too my Squall, Shiva's Bitch, Shiva's lover, The Ice Prince, Puberty Boy and resident commander in the bedroom and out."

He goes really red and whacks me with a pillow.

"I don't mind 'Ice Prince' and 'Squall' but lose the others please."

I just smile at him and cuddle up next to him.

"Sure thing darlin'."

"And you realize that I'm going to make you clean up the mess you made in the bathroom."

"It's not my bathroom"

"How does cleaning all the bathrooms in the garden work for you?"

Fuck it all! Forgot he can do that to me…

"Fine! I'll clean it up!" I sigh. " Ya know, I think I'm gonna start loving the rain now. Cause whenever it starts raining, you're gonna be there on my mind. Love you Squall…"

"Love you too Irvine…"

He smiles softly and chuckles under his breath.

"Of all people Irvine, why did you choose me? Why do you love me? What do you see in me?"

And he asks this now after he's fucked me. Thanks asshole! Now I can't think straight. But he looks so desperate to know and he has every right to ask it, even at my inconvenience. I hope that he accepts my reason.

"Because Squall, underneath your icy exterior, I see someone who is hurting, someone who is waiting to find someone who understands. We're alike, because inside I'm afraid. After Rinoa dumped you those few months ago and left you torn and bleeding inside, I wanted to help you because I saw myself in you, a desperate, pained person crying out for help, for someone to see them as they truly were. When I arrived at here in Balamb for the first time, even though you didn't show it, I sensed something about you that didn't seem true to your icy nature to people. You may appear cold to a lot of people but there is something in you that bit by bit tore down my barriers and let me understand that it was okay to allow myself to love someone again, even if they would never know. It also opened up a lot of pain inside because I've had people hate me for my preference in gender. Cause just like you I'm gay; and before I realized it, I was in love with you. I felt jealousy when that bitch Rinoa draped herself all over you. I felt like I wanted to scream most of the time because I knew that she would hurt you. I guess I sound selfish but I wanted you to myself. But after she left you, I saw you truly for who you are inside. A human being just looking to be set free."

A tear slides out of the corner of his eye and I feel afraid that I've hurt him but he just smiles and motions for me to continue.

"I chose you Squall, because you to me are real. You aren't some empty shell, you are a person who I love and I want to be with you. Love often doesn't need an explanation; all it needs is to exist. I love you with all my heart as stupid as it sounds Squall Leonhart. And if you choose, you can throw me away, you can hurt or kill me but I will still love you. I love you because you are you. Not because you are the president of Esthar's son and not because you are the commander of Balamb. I love the man who is in front of me. The man who in his silent way showed me that it's okay to love someone and that love doesn't hold a gender form, even if he didn't know it."

I take a breath and hold it at the end as I watch the innocent trail of tears make their way down his cheek. I'm afraid to take him into my arms for fear that he will push me away. Almost as if by some empathetic sense, he crushes me against his chest.

"I never thought that anyone would see me this way. I want to ask why and how did you end up with me but I'm afraid to get an answer. Because I don't want to give this up. I want to stay with you and stay yours as long as we want each other. We both sound pretty stupid like this but these words from our heart have never been so serious before. Thank you Irvine. For giving me back my wings of my spirit. I'm not afraid. Thank you…" he whispers and I find my arms acting of their own accord and wrapping themselves around his waist.

"Hey Squall, what're we gonna do about everyone? They're gonna end up finding out about us you realize…"

"Not a problem Irvine. But I think that we may need to put Seifer on a respirator before we tell him cause he's gonna freak like hell."

An image of Seifer on the respirator having a fit when finding out about our newfound relationship causes me to smile and I place a soft kiss onto Squall's lips.

"Never want to let you go Squall… and never been this horny either"

"Same here Irvine. But you're always horny. Not that it makes any difference to you. But if I catch you flirting with anyone other than me, I'll make sure that you're spayed."

I mockingly whimper and clutch at him. He's so complicated but so desirable. Damn this inability to express myself…

"It's a deal then Squall." I yawn and curl up with him by me. "Night love"

I feel him mold his body to mine to sleep and gently pull a tuft of my hair over his shoulder.

"Night Irvine…" he whispers.

Things did turn out in the end for us both. Who the hell knew that we would end up together? But where hate scars, love nurtures and people see with the eyes of their heart clearly. I'm not gonna hold back anymore now, not in sex, love or in life. This time, it's our turn to fly together… And it's ours alone.

Owari

Author's note 2:

I hope that was okay! PLEASE REVIEW! Cause when you review, I get an idea of whether I need to change my writing style and my strengths and weaknesses. I really love reviews. FLAMES ARE ONLY ACCEPTED IF THEY ARE CONSTRUCTIVE A.K.A POINTING OUT WHERE I NEED TO IMPROVE!


End file.
